Browsed by
Author: stephen

Bees, Zombies and The Tragedy Of Being 40

Bees, Zombies and The Tragedy Of Being 40

I remember being a fresh-faced 12 year old walking to school, wondering what the year 2012 would be like. I’d imagined dark storm clouds, flickering lightening, the faint cries of tortured souls whipped away by the ever present cold winds. You see, the year 2012 has long held a dark fascination for me. No doubt some of you are thinking Mayan End of Days. Perhaps, like others, you’re wondering if I’m obsessed with the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse and have secretly been…

Read More Read More

Free and easy

Free and easy

OK people. It’s been forever since I wrote, so I’m merging two posts into one monstrously long one. You may need a comfort break around the paragraph about druidic rituals. Stretch your legs, that kind of thing. So, here goes: Anyone that knows me will attest that I’m not a man to say no to something free. Especially when the freebie is 30 laying chickens, delivered in the back of a truck no questions asked and they’re able to pay…

Read More Read More

Big Black Porkers

Big Black Porkers

It’s been a crazy busy month. Spring hit early and after a rather feeble attempt to finish the painting in February which, to be honest, I enjoyed about as much as being made to watch back to back episodes of Inside The Actors Studio (sycophantic nauseating drivel) while having my toenails filed with an angle grinder, March and April have been all about the farm. I feel justified in calling it a farm now since we have done some irrefutably farmy…

Read More Read More

Return of the Chicken Assassin

Return of the Chicken Assassin

As some of you might remember, I’ve faced challenges in the past when trying to despatch a chicken. On the plus side, I discovered what I suspect to be a unique ability as an avian chiropractor. On the down side, recently my two cockerels have been getting rather…cocky. The poor skinny girls have been getting more attention than the only pretty wife at a swingers party and I must say that after a long winter locked up together, they’re looking rather…

Read More Read More

Vicky Pollard And My Dark Secret

Vicky Pollard And My Dark Secret

I have a dark secret. It’s something that I’ve kept locked away from the world for quite some time but it’s fighting to come out. So, like a tearful teenage mum confessing on daytime TV about how she shagged their Susan’s boyfriend’s brother’s half-cousin Wayne while Billy her husband was working his third job frying burgers to keep little Dwight in diapers and Red Bull, I feel an overwhelming urge to reveal the whole sordid truth (just without the Kapper tracksuit). I…

Read More Read More

Armchair Farming

Armchair Farming

This is it. No more lame excuses that we don’t have the space to plant anything bigger than a couple of marigolds. There isn’t anywhere to hide when you have 100 acres, a tractor and a stack of farming books big enough that if artfully arranged could spell out the words “armchair farmer”. The time for saying “just think, when we have a farm we’ll be able to…” is over because that day is now. Scarier than Russell Crowe in…

Read More Read More

Ode To The Missus (sponsored by the number 43.5)

Ode To The Missus (sponsored by the number 43.5)

43.5 is a magical number. It’s the world record for cell efficiency in a solar panel. It’s Google’s share of US online advertising spend. It’s the top speed in mph of a camel. And, as it just so happens, it’s the proportion of my time on earth spent with the missus. It’s been a spooky number all the way through our relationship. For example, when I first met Emma I was a student at the University of Sheffield. Every Friday…

Read More Read More

Dark Intentions and Highland Cows

Dark Intentions and Highland Cows

I have what you might call a stubborn and determined personality. I get hold of an idea and like to see it made real, whatever the challenges, objections, cries for mercy from small children or other obstacles in my way. Like the Terminator, it’s one of my strengths because I never give up, ever. But unfortunately, there can often be collateral damage. As a young man, I was convinced I’d be a millionaire by now and live in a renovated…

Read More Read More

The In Crowd

The In Crowd

 As astonishing as you might discover it to be, I’ve never really been cool. Not at school, not at University and not at work. Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments of reasonable chilliness such as being the poster boy for an anti-racism campaign at university and paragliding over the Himalayas, but if I’m being honest, they were just too little too late. My uncool had already been too deeply ingrained by earlier lifestyle choices such as unselfconsciously donning…

Read More Read More

Zen and the Art of Snow Clearing

Zen and the Art of Snow Clearing

I love my tractor. Not in a creepy grease nipple, if I’m smiling don’t leave me alone with heavy machinery kind of way. Just honest, wholesome bloke love for his tractor. But, I’ve been having one or two technical challenges of late with George. As you probably know, we live in Canada and it usually snows a bit in winter over here. When we bought George in spring, I remember thinking about how great it’s going to be to use…

Read More Read More