I begin and end each day with this boy. I wonder who are you? I wonder why are you trying to drive me crazy? I wonder where are you going in such a rush?
He’s like a tidal wave, a force of nature; he’ll sweep right over the top of you and leave you wondering what the hell just happened? He’s all earth and fire, so solid and powerful, but flaring up with the force of the sun. There are days where I am blinded by him; there are days I feel like I’ve been hit by a car.
He wakes me, standing by my bed saying Mama, you look beauyifuw. I know I don’t, I’ve been up half the night with him, but of course I am won over. He’s like toffee, he’ll hurt your teeth but the next day all you can remember is the sweetness. You’ll always go back for more.
He takes the world on at full tilt, afraid of nothing. Up and running at 9 months he hasn’t stopped since; my heart is in my throat all the time, afraid for him, afraid because he is not afraid. But a ladybug in the shower has him calling out for Mama, reminding me he is such a little boy. But not a baby anymore, no not that.
He is relentless, exhausting and he will.not.give.in.ever. Trying to hold him back feels impossible, to my shame I resort to bribes, he loves chocolate more than anything and sometimes its all I’ve got just to get him to change track, to please, please stop. I don’t feel like I can do it sometimes, be the person he needs me to be, give enough for him to be satisfied. They are both so different, can I be what they both need and still be me?
But when he puts his arms around my neck and squeezes hard, when he holds my hand at playgroup and says Mama, come wid me; when he holds my face in his hands and demands my attention his eyes saying I see you, see me; I know then I am the Mama that he chose, he trusts me to be the right person. He knows I’ll come running when a ladybug emergency crops up, it is me he calls for at night when he is all tears and blurry edges.
Since the moment he came into being it all changed and he was never what I expected him to be. He moves, like a beautiful decorated elephant, inexorable and shining, delightful yet imposing. His eyes say that he has been here before, and when I stop, when I step back from the Mama madness and the worry and the frustration and the exhaustion I know that this is all part of the plan. His eyes say so.
This boy. Frustrating, beautiful, clever, exhausting, terrifying, hilarious, unstoppable. My boy.