I remember being about thirteen or fourteen years old and getting really upset because I couldn’t miraculously do something by instinct in my Dad’s garage workshop. What that something was is lost in the murk that’s become my sleep-deprived memory, but I never forgot that as I slammed down the tools in a proper teenage huff, my Dad repeated the old adage: “A bad workman always blames his tools.”

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not gifted when it comes to hands-on practical workshop stuff and have a tendency to perform Oscar-winning paddys when my tools are less than perfectly cooperative. My track record, it must be said, is not without blemish. Especially as it relates to weed-whackers or other powered instruments. I can’t blame genetics, since my Dad and brother are both highly capable. Me…I’m the sole inventor of the (patent pending) Expandable, Foldable, Portable Dog Basket.

That beauty was my college project. It would have been a success if only I’d put the hinges on the right side so it could fold. And it didn’t weigh in at around 100 lbs which hampered it’s portability for everyone except say Giant Haystacks or the BFG. Oh, and if only it didn’t collapse when expanded. But otherwise it was pure genius and until this day, I’ve never shared my crushing disappointment that even my faithful old Golden Retriever wouldn’t set so much as a paw in it.

It’s true that my next invention, the Portable Vibrating Sunshade, also had a number of design challenges. Aside from the difficulty of wheeling around a 7ft sunlounger with integrated glass canopy housing carbon fiber rods designed to vibrate at 60 hertz, the admittedly difficult task of finding a 240V power supply at the beach and of course the unnerving hum it made when operating, what other options do the five people who are allergic to sun cream have?

Anyway, those early projects aside, I think I’m fully justified in having a complete, righteous, red-faced whinge-fest about the piece of junk that is my 6′ AgriEase bushhog mower. This hunk of scrap makes my college mishaps look like works of engineering precision and genius. It’s so shitty that I’m actually embarrassed for it. Two other old adages leap to mind when I think about it. First, “act in haste, repent in leisure” which pretty much sums up this purchase. Secondly, “buy shit, get shit” which might not be a recognised adage as such, but it should be.

Ok, here’s my whinge. You might want to skip to the bit about sheep below.

The damn thing looks the business, all black and shiny. It claims to be able to mow up to 1″ diameter brush, but I’d advise against trying that unless you’re interested in knowing what the death throes of a Brachiosaurous with severe constipation from eating too many palm trees sounds like.

So far I’ve managed to use it for about 7 or 8 hours on my fields and had a number of bothers:

• embedded into the mud on the first start (admittedly all my fault)
• broken shear pin on the second start
• a warped / twisted left upright which puts so much force on the 3 point-hitch lower link pins it flattened the thread on a 3/4″ diameter steel bolt on the third start. This same problem also prevents the unit from floating properly, compounding the vibration issue.
• all four gear housing bolts lost their nuts on the fourth start

We’re going to talk to a woman about a starter flock today. Absolutely, definitely, 100% sure we’re not going to buy them. Probably.

Almost certainly.

Um, unless they’re as boss-eyed as these ones because let’s face it, who can say no to the prospect of five boss-eyed wooly ladies that smell of wet blankets and dung. I am, after all, only human.

I mean, we’re almost ready for them. All we need is a barn, lots of fencing, hay and feed, a crash-course in raising sheep and some way to protect them from coyotes, wolves and the occasional marauding AgriEase bushhog.

But other than that, we’re totally ready. Definitely learned our lesson about buying in haste….honest.

Pictures of our adventures to follow in the next post.